Things That Make You Go Hmm...

Do you remember The Arsenio Hall show?

With his signature fist pump and trademark, “Let’s Get It On,” Arsenio was the first talk show host to have hip hop artist share a couch with Hollywood heavies and US Presidents. During the 1990's, Hall became iconic in a late night lineup previously ruled by Carson and Letterman.

Originally from Cleveland, OH, Hall joked that he drove each morning from Cleveland to LA to tape the show. This "alleged" drive gave birth to a segment titled, “Things that Make you Go Hmm…” It was a crowd favorite and so wildly popular that the 90s dance group C & C Music Factory wrote a song by the same title. So in honor of my favorite late night show, I’d like to give you my rendition of

Things That Make You Go Hmmm…


1. A few weeks ago, I was driving my son to daycare when I pulled behind a 1994 black Toyota Camry with 30 day tags. On the trunk of the car in gold adhesive letters was the advertisement “Steelz On Grillz… Gold grills starting at $80” You gotta be sh*ting me, right?

So of course I came home and Googled it to see if they had a website. I found this instead…

Note: This is for kids ages 4 and up.

Lawd have mercy! There are a whole lotta grandmomma's turning over in their graves knowing that their grandbabies are running around here trying to say their ABC's with a grill in their mouth. Hmmm...

2. I was on CNN.com reading an article about a 19 year old kid named Colton who escaped from a juvenile half way house. After his escape, he burglarized a dozen or so homes across several states. He was nicknamed "The Barefoot Bandit" because he preferred to rob with no shoes on. (Or maybe he suffered from bunions?) After realizing police were hot on his  trail, he stole a plane (a cute little Cessna) and flew it to the Bahamas. (Did I mention that he taught himself to fly?!)

Colton has been evading the FBI since 2008 and though dipping out on the secret service is a grueling job, he's still had time to amass 58,000 Facebook friends.

Open Memo to the FBI -- if you had befriended the kid on Facebook you may have caught him two years ago?  Hmmm…

3. On June 14, 2010, the iconic, King of Kings statue that stood in front of Solid Rock Church in Monroe, OH burned to the ground after it was struck by lightning. Reverend Darlene Bishop said at the very least they plan to return the statue to its original stature of 62 ft. But this time, they would make it fireproof. When asked why the decision to rebuild Rev. Darlene said, “It’s such a monument. It’s like people know Monroe by the statue of Jesus.”

Now, I’m going to go ahead and profess that I cannot even begin to know the ways of God. But I don’t think it’s too farfetched to believe he might have a little bit of control over lightning… if he struck it down the first time, then maybe he’s just not a fan.

Reverend Darlene, I don’t have address numbers on my house and people still find it just fine. But if you’re just hell bent on the idea, Ohio grows a lot of corn; maybe you could build a big corn statue for a Monroe landmark instead… Hmmm.

Catholic Beef

I've got beef with Catholics. Not Tupac and Biggie Smalls beef. You can rest assured that no one will end up shot. But if Catholics and I ever found each other face to face in the streets… there would have to be a freestyle rap battle or an Ol’ Skool dance off, at least.


Catholics believe in God and I believe in God, so in essence, we're family. But unlike most familial fights, this didn't start over money or what went down at last year’s family reunion. Our misunderstanding started over Communion.

Allow me to give you some background...

My grandmother was in charge of baking the Communion bread for our church. Every Friday afternoon, I sat in the kitchen on our rickety, step stool and watched as as she whisked together flour, olive oil, salt and water for our crispy, unleavened bread. If I did not disturb her, she gave me a corner of bread fresh off the cookie sheet. There is nothing better than piping hot Body of Christ fresh from the oven. Yummo.

If I wasn't eating advanced entrees of Communion, I was playing it with my best friend, Lelia. Since she was a preacher's daughter, Lelia played the part of pastor. We sang out of decrepit hymnals where the songs only had numbers. --Hymn #162. We chose randomly so we rarely knew the melody. We sang off key, off tune and just plain off. After singing, Pastor said a quick prayer and announced that it was time for Communion. Being the sole member of the usher board, I stepped forward to serve her crunchy bread and a shot of warm Welch’s grape juice. Needless to say, me and Communion go way back.

***
A few years ago, I attended my first Catholic mass. I was raised as a Seventh Day Adventist and one of the major tenets is modesty. I had never been exposed to the opulence of a Catholic cathedral. The domed ceiling of the sanctuary was gilded in gold leaf. Jesus’ Ascension to heaven was told in picture through Gothic, stained glass windows. The pulpit was flanked by pillared candles covered in flickering images of the Virgin Mary. Earlier I made the mistake of lighting three candles and saying a few short prayers. It wasn’t until after my prayers that I noticed the offering box requesting a quarter for each candle you light. (Ooops! Does the church accept Visa debit?)

Services started when the priest began his reverent walk down the cathedral aisle. He swung his brass censer like a pendulum while plumes of earthy incense billowed down the pews. I took deep, fluid breaths of the heady mix of frankincense and myrrh. As he walked, he sang a song in Latin that sounded like slow Lamaze breathing, "ah ha hee hee ho oh." Compared to drab church services of my youth, Catholicism was magical.

Unfortunately, I don't remember anything about the sermon. I was too busy concocting ways to score church incense and figure out reasons to sit in the confessional booth. But I do remember the priest announcing the start of Communion. We were all instructed to stand and file down the aisle to accept God's sacrifice, when my neighbor asked, "Are you Catholic?"

I'm sure he already knew the answer because I had completely flubbed the whole kneel, stand, cross over your heart routine repeatedly.

"No," I answered sourly.

"Well, then you aren't allowed to take Communion here," he scoffed and darted off to join the rest of the congregation in my row.

A breathy, “oh” escaped my mouth. I looked for someone else sitting but I was the only one. I suddenly felt like I had come to church drunk on bourbon and inappropriately dressed. I watched as each member held their mouths open as if in a medical exam and the priest pressed a single, round wafer on their tongues. Then after a quick swipe around the cup with his napkin, he tipped the gold chalice towards their lips. I grabbed my keys and power walked to the exit.

So when Dan Brown made the Holy See appear greedy and obnoxious in The DaVinci Code, I considered it payback. And when local teens stole the plaster model of Jesus on the Cross from St. Michael’s and left a note saying that he’d be back on Easter Sunday, I laughed hysterically and said, “That’s what you get, nonnie, nonnie boo boo.”

But family is family right and you can’t stay beefing forever. So I’ve decided to call a truce.

To all you Catholics out there, the next time we meet up, you bring your wafers and real wine and I’ll bring my crispy bread and Welch’s and we can have Communion… together.

PS- And just in case you wondering, I went back to that church and put a whole dollar in the candle offering.