Oh shut up! I can hear you groaning now.
“But Holli, who can understand the Bible with all those Thou Sayeths and Thines. And who can pronounce all those crazy names like Methuselah and Ablimech.”
My advice: Get yourself a new version!
While I have nothing against King James, it’s easier to read other interpretations. Heck, if Windows can update every two weeks: 98, 2007, ME, XP, Vista surely the Bible can handle a version update. Bible 2.0
And who cares if you mispronounce a name or two, you’re not going to call these folks on the phone and I can assure you they don’t live in your hood. So just call them Manny and Abe, it’s totally cool.
The important thing to note is that the Bible is full of words of wisdom and great stories. Of course there’s Noah and his boat. And who can forget Adam & Eve and the whole apple incident... but there are so many stories that no one talks about. So I’ve decided that every now and then I’ll offer a Bible Study here on the blog.
So congregation, today’s words of wisdom come from the Book of Deuteronomy.
Deuteronomy chapter 25, verses 11 and 12 (New International Version) states:
11 If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand.”
Stop the presses!!! Did the Bible just talk about balls? Yes, by the handful.
I know all you King James Version purist out there must think that this is a misprint. So here’s what good old King James had his admin type up.
11When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:
12Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.
Church, I do believe that “taketh him by the secrets” is still balls. So call them what you will... private parts, secret places or cojones its written in the Old KJV, New KJV, Standard Version and even in the Torah.
So now that we know the Bible isn’t as dry as burnt toast, let’s get the wisdom out of it, shall we?
Holli's Life Application:
If my significant other is having an issue with another man, I shouldn't butt in and try to control the show. It’s his battle, let him fight it. In addition, hitting below the belt is a cheap, underhanded shot. Even if my man is getting the beat down, let him take the beating...That's why God invented Neosporin, right?
In short, let a man be a man.
Now as always, let’s pass around the collection plate.
OMG! Only you would find that passage! lol
ReplyDeleteSo when does your version of the Bible come out? Not only would I read it, but I would also faithfully attend bible study! Seriously!
For this, when the collection plate comes along, I'm putting something in the building fund too!
(I'm praying for you about that stripper thing.)
Dy
I love the idea of periodic "Bible Verses for Dummies!" Keep 'em coming.
ReplyDeleteI once thought the Word was just too hard to understand until I starting reading Genesis, and was cursing at my Afro-Jewish brothers and sisters about designing golden goats and buddhas in the valley while that poor Moses was getting the shock treatment of his life. Well, I got the shock of my life when I thought I hear someone telling me that I was just a foolish as the Afro-Jews running circles in the desert, and that I too would complain, curse and try other methods even though I knew things were being worked out behind the scenes or on top of the mountain. So, there it is, words, parables, names and understanding will sometimes come if you just open the book, mine did. Selah.
ReplyDelete