Hey You with the Pocket Protector!

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary which is a huge feat for a commitment-phobe who thought she’d never marry. So in honor of this momentous occasion, I thought I’d share how Val and I met.

When we first moved to Ohio from North Carolina, we lived with my grandmother, Elnora. In the evenings my grandmother and I lay across her bed, drank Pepsi and watched Matlock re-runs. During commercials we talked about the family, news events and her favorite subject, boys. One evening my grandmother turned to me and said,




“Oh I got this boy I'd like you to meet.”

“Who is he,” I asked.

“Well, it’s Mrs. Cooley's grandson.”

After high school graduation I visited my grandmother and we drove to see her best friend, Ms. Cooley. Grandmother told me stories of how she and Ms. Cooley used to put on their high heels and party in Cincinnati at a club called Boogaloo. But by the time I met her; she wore a double pocketed smock, cloth headband and played the numbers twice a day. No one knows when it happened but sometime during all that lottery playing, Ms. Cooley stopped using paper and started writing the numbers from floor to ceiling on the bathroom walls. There was no way I would date her grandson. I was sure he wore penny loafers, pocket protectors and had an Excel spreadsheet of past Lotto winnings. No thanks.

I dismissed my grandmother's hookup and we went on to help Matlock solve his case.

Several days later I was outside with my younger brother. There were two young men washing a car curbside. One approached me, said hello and asked if I was new in town. I answered but was too busy watching the other guy who didn't say anything. He wore a red ball cap with the brim so low I couldn’t make out his face. He completely ignored me. Honestly, I was not used to being ignored. I was a cute girl. Intriguing.

During Matlock I asked my grandmother did she know the neighbor boys, namely the one with the ball cap.

"That's Ms. Amanda's son, Ms. Cooley's daughter. That's her grandson”

“WHAT,” I shrieked.

Grandma nodded her head and with a sarcastic grin said, “but he’s got a girlfriend now.”

The next week we moved into our own home so I spent less time at grandma's house but I still returned a few evenings during the week to watch Matlock. On this particular evening I was looking through her bedroom window when I saw "the grandson," walking out to his car. I barreled out the door yelling that I was going to get a date. I walked leisurely across the street, popped the trunk of my car and started fishing through the empty space.

Truth is that I didn't have a damn thing in that trunk. I just hoped he'd say something to me.

He drove towards my car and said,

"Hi, I haven't seen you in a few weeks."

Bingo! I walked over and here is where it gets all cheesy romantic movie-like.

He was wearing his red ball cap again but backwards. The sun was to his back and when he turned to look at me I noticed that he had the most gorgeous green eyes I'd ever seen. He could wear 18 pocket protectors, high waters and a turban, he was FINE. But I was a player; I was not going to lose my cool.

He introduced himself as Valdez and offered to show me around the city that evening. I asked about the alleged girlfriend and he said they were "on the rocks." I was sure that was a crock of bologna but didn't care. I told him to call me at 5:00….not 4:59, not 5:01 but 5:00. I slipped him my number and walked away.

After the show, I bolted home, showered and laid across the bed. It was 4:52. I watched the red digital numbers of the clock blink past, 4:58, 4:59 and right as 5:00 froze on the display, the phone rang. I almost vomited. I picked up on the 3rd ring.

Val offered a ride around the city and a quick dinner. He worked 3rd shift at the hospital and was scheduled that evening. He would pick me up in an hour.

In the car, I sat barefoot and cross-legged. I rambled about North Carolina and my family. I climbed atop my soap box and fussed about how appalled I was that Ohio residents littered and didn’t have to wear seatbelts. But during the entire speech, Val never uttered a word.

Was this the crazy, Cooley coming out in him? Was that a lotto ticket bulging from glove box?

Just as I was getting to the part about non-mandatory recycling, we pulled into a place called Magic Mountain. He led me into the door, grabbed clubs for the both of us and paid the attendant. At the first hole, there were painted alligators, mini waterfalls and play sand bunkers. This would challenge my golf skills but I was sure he wouldn’t complain. Hell, he hadn’t muttered a word yet.

I placed my fluorescent pink ball on the tee, lined up the putter and swung. Mid swing Val caught the club in his palm. In shock, I let go of it entirely. He walked closer, leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Babe, you know I'm going to kick your ass, right,” He kissed me softly on the cheek, handed me the club and motioned for me to begin, again.

Now ladies, you may want a man to whisper sweet nothings or one that tells you how beautiful you are regardless of your two bellies and five rolls of back fat… but to me, the sexiest thing in the world is a man with confidence. And this guy, with only a handful of words, had nearly made me pee my pants.

Val slaughtered me in miniature golf which he reminded me a few times over dinner. And because he worked alone, I drove back to the hospital with him. We talked nonstop or maybe I did all the talking, but what really matters is that we turned a 12 hour date into a decade of marriage.

So Big ups to Grandma Elnora for her extraordinary taste in men.