The Things You Hear at Wal-Mart (A Short)

I recently read an article about a 16 year old boy who infiltrated Wal-Mart’s PA system. He said, “Attention Wal-Mart customers, all the black people leave the store now.”

Of course this comment caused instantaneous backlash from the African American patrons and prompted a media circus to descend upon the Jersey based store.

Since I’m African American, you’d think I’d immediately become angry, call up Al Sharpton and march potholes into the storefront pavement. But anger was not my initial reaction. My first thought was,

“You hear the damnest things at Wal-Mart.”

***

Several years ago, Val and I rented a U-Haul and spent an entire Saturday moving into our new, two bedroom townhome. We were young, energetic and ecstatic to be out of his parent’s home. By 2 am we unloaded the last cardboard box.

Covered in a sticky film of sweat, dust and exhaustion, Val said, “Babe, I need a shower.”

“Me too, but we don’t have a shower curtain,” I replied.

We decided there was only one place you can buy a shower curtain at 2 am. Wal-Mart.

Besides a few men buffing the linoleum and a couple of blue smocked employees, the store was fairly empty.

We passed the glass jewelry case and the laundry baskets. I held Val’s hand and steered him away from the kitchen appliance aisle. (Val was obsessed with infomercials and had pleaded his case for a Vidalia onion slicer) when suddenly above our heads we heard the buzz of the intercom system. There was a long pause before the man spoke in a panicked, Southern drawl,

--I need a CSM to the warehouse please.

--Need a CSM to the warehouse!

--Forklift is on fire!

When the PA system buzzes on, you expect to hear, “clean up on aisle 8, license plate XYZ, you left your lights on,” never do you expect to hear the word “FIRE” in the middle of deciding between skirt steak or lamb chops.

So Wal-Mart shoppers, beware. You never know what you’re going to hear.

By the way, anyone got Sharpton’s phone number?