Question of the Day?
Which sadistic a** drug company makes Amoxicillin?
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, let me get you up to speed.
Scientific Answer: Amoxicillin is a mild antibiotic made to clear up a wide range of general bacterial infections.
Mommy Answer: It is the devil.
All weekend my two year old son is running fevers ranging from “ooh he’s warm” to “rotisserie-style.” Early Monday morning I am perched at his pediatrician’s door before the office is even unlocked. The poor kid is diagnosed with a double ear infection. The doctor prescribes amoxicillin.
If you’ve never seen amoxicillin, it’s a foul smelling, bubble gum pink liquid that’s got the consistency of Elmer’s glue. I draw up 7mL in a plastic syringe and squirt it in my son’s mouth. First sign of trouble – he doesn’t say a word, just shivers.
“Ugh, that bad huh,” I ask. He doesn’t respond, just walks away.
About 10 minutes later he screams, “MOMMY!! Gotta potty!”
“Go on upstairs, I’m on my way.”
When I get there, the most God awful sounds are coming from his behind and he’s begging Spiderman for help.
So if anyone finds out who makes amoxicillin, you tell them I’m going to kick their (beep)!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Hi...My Name Is
I love college football. Actually, I’m obsessed with it. My friends long ago stopped inviting me to Saturday morning shopping trips or afternoon brunches. I like everything about the game, the frenzied fans, and the crushing collisions but there is nothing I love more than listening to white commentators saying black football player's names.
Listen, the correct pronunciation of a black football player’s name is an overlooked art form. And before you call Al Sharpton and stage a peace march on my street, I’m black and my name is Utauphia, so I am qualified to speak on this.
You should hear those commentators rattle off names like Rantavious, Vontaze and Yourhighness. It rolls of their tongues as smooth as, “John or Fletcher.” They are already calling the next play while I’m choking on my chicken wing thinking, “Did his momma really name him Your-Highness?”
If I am ever graced with a visit to ESPN studios, I will flat out ask them how they pull it off. I’ll make them run through their game day routine with me. I am convinced that along with learning game statistics and playing styles, they practice the team roster back and forth between themselves. I imagine them rehearsing the names in the dressing room saying aloud, “D’Brickashaw,” emphasis on the “duh.” Or Barkevious, come on open your throat on the –ous.
So though I know you’ll never share your trade secrets, I want to commend you, white commentators for never stumbling, laughing or getting caught saying, “WTF is his name?!?!?” while your mic is still on.
My Top Ten Favorite Names of 2011 Season:
1. Vontaze Burfict, LB, Arizona State
2. Yourhighness Morgan, LB, Florida Atlantic ---that is not a mistype
3. Matt Stankiewitch, C, Penn State ---Matt is Caucasian but how can you not love the name Stankiewitch. I love it!!
4. Tronic Williams, CB, Western Michigan
5. Bacarri Rambo, S, Georgia
6. Godspower Offor, DE, Wake Forest ---I wonder what Jesus thinks of this one
7. Barkevious Mingo, DE, LSU
8. Rokevious Watkins, OT, South Carolina
9. Gelo Orange, DT, Wake Forest
10. Ja-mes Logan, WR, Ole Miss ---Pronounced Juh-mez, I thought the rogue hypen might confuse you
Listen, the correct pronunciation of a black football player’s name is an overlooked art form. And before you call Al Sharpton and stage a peace march on my street, I’m black and my name is Utauphia, so I am qualified to speak on this.
You should hear those commentators rattle off names like Rantavious, Vontaze and Yourhighness. It rolls of their tongues as smooth as, “John or Fletcher.” They are already calling the next play while I’m choking on my chicken wing thinking, “Did his momma really name him Your-Highness?”
If I am ever graced with a visit to ESPN studios, I will flat out ask them how they pull it off. I’ll make them run through their game day routine with me. I am convinced that along with learning game statistics and playing styles, they practice the team roster back and forth between themselves. I imagine them rehearsing the names in the dressing room saying aloud, “D’Brickashaw,” emphasis on the “duh.” Or Barkevious, come on open your throat on the –ous.
So though I know you’ll never share your trade secrets, I want to commend you, white commentators for never stumbling, laughing or getting caught saying, “WTF is his name?!?!?” while your mic is still on.
My Top Ten Favorite Names of 2011 Season:
1. Vontaze Burfict, LB, Arizona State
2. Yourhighness Morgan, LB, Florida Atlantic ---that is not a mistype
3. Matt Stankiewitch, C, Penn State ---Matt is Caucasian but how can you not love the name Stankiewitch. I love it!!
4. Tronic Williams, CB, Western Michigan
5. Bacarri Rambo, S, Georgia
6. Godspower Offor, DE, Wake Forest ---I wonder what Jesus thinks of this one
7. Barkevious Mingo, DE, LSU
8. Rokevious Watkins, OT, South Carolina
9. Gelo Orange, DT, Wake Forest
10. Ja-mes Logan, WR, Ole Miss ---Pronounced Juh-mez, I thought the rogue hypen might confuse you
Friday, September 9, 2011
Buy One Get One Free
Have you been in a store recently and seen one of those crazy coupon ladies?
You know who I’m talking about, right? She’s the lady casing the grocery store aisles carrying a Trapper Keeper full of coupons on her cart. Maybe you’ve even seen the show on TLC where this seemingly ordinary person takes you to her garage that doubles as a mini mart; then the camera pans to her in Kroger buying 18 boxes of Kotex and 20 bottles of mustard all for $3.99.
Well people, I’ve turned into one of those crazy b*tches.
Listen. I know you know me. You never saw this coming. I’m spontaneous and free spirited. I’m your girlfriend that never makes plans and flies by the seat of her pants. You’re scanning our past conversations wondering where the break down occurred. You’re afraid that if I’ve sunken this far into ridiculous-ness what in the hell will be next? I’ll show up on your doorstep selling a Kirby?!?!
Ok, ok, before you start planning an intervention at least let me explain.
I work about 2 miles away from the store, Target. My co-worker, Serita and I often drive over during our lunch break. We consider it retail therapy. One day Serita shows up with a tackle box of coupons. I think this is utterly ridiculous but I love Serita like a sister so I make vow to stand in solidarity even as people whisper, “crazy heifer,” as they pass her.
Serita buys eye shadow, a twin pack of deodorant and a couple bottles of lotion. She picks up a pair of jeans for her son and a shirt for herself. I’m just along for the ride so I get frozen meal, Goldfish crackers and a candy bar. I have three items so Serita insists that I check out first. I place my items on the belt and they ring up to about $6 bucks. Serita unloads then starts fishing inside her Box O Coupons, stacking them in booklets onto the register stand. I am horrified as I am sure the cashier is too. So I avoid eye contact with everyone and stare at the price monitor. Little by little her total dwindles from $30 --- .75 off, 1.50 off, 2.00 off. Her booklet of coupons seems endless and the “offs” just keep on rolling. At the end the cashier turns to her and says, “Your total is $8.36 and one of your purchases qualifies for a $5 Target gift card.” Serita pays her $8 bucks and change, smiles sweetly and says, “Thanks, I’ll use it next time.”
Oh hell to the naw?!?!? I had one lousy bag and she just bought the entire store for a sum total of $3. Someone please pour me a tall glass of hater-aid.
Over the next few weeks, I questioned Serita about her methods, her coupon websites and of course the mini mart in her garage. Graciously, she answered all my questions. She even stacked coupons for me and told me the best stores in which to use them.
So friends, I’ve been converted. I recently bought myself a zip up, three ring binder. It’s got pockets for my sales ads and a pouch for my calculator. All my coupons are in laminated sheets and stacked in category order --Hair care, baked goods, feminine wares, ect… To test out my newly clipped coupons, Serita and I drove over to Target today and I made out like a bandit.
Items Purchased:
Cascade drop ins
Pasta
Spaghetti sauce
(4) Bottles of Simply Lemonade
Candy bar
$1.39 (with tax)
Go ahead. Call me crazy but that’s a d*mn good deal.
You know who I’m talking about, right? She’s the lady casing the grocery store aisles carrying a Trapper Keeper full of coupons on her cart. Maybe you’ve even seen the show on TLC where this seemingly ordinary person takes you to her garage that doubles as a mini mart; then the camera pans to her in Kroger buying 18 boxes of Kotex and 20 bottles of mustard all for $3.99.
Well people, I’ve turned into one of those crazy b*tches.
Listen. I know you know me. You never saw this coming. I’m spontaneous and free spirited. I’m your girlfriend that never makes plans and flies by the seat of her pants. You’re scanning our past conversations wondering where the break down occurred. You’re afraid that if I’ve sunken this far into ridiculous-ness what in the hell will be next? I’ll show up on your doorstep selling a Kirby?!?!
Ok, ok, before you start planning an intervention at least let me explain.
I work about 2 miles away from the store, Target. My co-worker, Serita and I often drive over during our lunch break. We consider it retail therapy. One day Serita shows up with a tackle box of coupons. I think this is utterly ridiculous but I love Serita like a sister so I make vow to stand in solidarity even as people whisper, “crazy heifer,” as they pass her.
Serita buys eye shadow, a twin pack of deodorant and a couple bottles of lotion. She picks up a pair of jeans for her son and a shirt for herself. I’m just along for the ride so I get frozen meal, Goldfish crackers and a candy bar. I have three items so Serita insists that I check out first. I place my items on the belt and they ring up to about $6 bucks. Serita unloads then starts fishing inside her Box O Coupons, stacking them in booklets onto the register stand. I am horrified as I am sure the cashier is too. So I avoid eye contact with everyone and stare at the price monitor. Little by little her total dwindles from $30 --- .75 off, 1.50 off, 2.00 off. Her booklet of coupons seems endless and the “offs” just keep on rolling. At the end the cashier turns to her and says, “Your total is $8.36 and one of your purchases qualifies for a $5 Target gift card.” Serita pays her $8 bucks and change, smiles sweetly and says, “Thanks, I’ll use it next time.”
Oh hell to the naw?!?!? I had one lousy bag and she just bought the entire store for a sum total of $3. Someone please pour me a tall glass of hater-aid.
Over the next few weeks, I questioned Serita about her methods, her coupon websites and of course the mini mart in her garage. Graciously, she answered all my questions. She even stacked coupons for me and told me the best stores in which to use them.
So friends, I’ve been converted. I recently bought myself a zip up, three ring binder. It’s got pockets for my sales ads and a pouch for my calculator. All my coupons are in laminated sheets and stacked in category order --Hair care, baked goods, feminine wares, ect… To test out my newly clipped coupons, Serita and I drove over to Target today and I made out like a bandit.
Items Purchased:
Cascade drop ins
Pasta
Spaghetti sauce
(4) Bottles of Simply Lemonade
Candy bar
$1.39 (with tax)
Go ahead. Call me crazy but that’s a d*mn good deal.
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