Hi...My Name Is

I love college football. Actually, I’m obsessed with it. My friends long ago stopped inviting me to Saturday morning shopping trips or afternoon brunches. I like everything about the game, the frenzied fans, and the crushing collisions but there is nothing I love more than listening to white commentators saying black football player's names.


Listen, the correct pronunciation of a black football player’s name is an overlooked art form. And before you call Al Sharpton and stage a peace march on my street, I’m black and my name is Utauphia, so I am qualified to speak on this.

You should hear those commentators rattle off names like Rantavious, Vontaze and Yourhighness. It rolls of their tongues as smooth as, “John or Fletcher.” They are already calling the next play while I’m choking on my chicken wing thinking, “Did his momma really name him Your-Highness?”

If I am ever graced with a visit to ESPN studios, I will flat out ask them how they pull it off. I’ll make them run through their game day routine with me. I am convinced that along with learning game statistics and playing styles, they practice the team roster back and forth between themselves. I imagine them rehearsing the names in the dressing room saying aloud, “D’Brickashaw,” emphasis on the “duh.” Or Barkevious, come on open your throat on the –ous.

So though I know you’ll never share your trade secrets, I want to commend you, white commentators for never stumbling, laughing or getting caught saying, “WTF is his name?!?!?” while your mic is still on.

My Top Ten Favorite Names of 2011 Season:

1. Vontaze Burfict, LB, Arizona State

2. Yourhighness Morgan, LB, Florida Atlantic ---that is not a mistype

3. Matt Stankiewitch, C, Penn State ---Matt is Caucasian but how can you not love the name Stankiewitch. I love it!!

4. Tronic Williams, CB, Western Michigan

5. Bacarri Rambo, S, Georgia

6. Godspower Offor, DE, Wake Forest ---I wonder what Jesus thinks of this one

7. Barkevious Mingo, DE, LSU

8. Rokevious Watkins, OT, South Carolina

9. Gelo Orange, DT, Wake Forest

10. Ja-mes Logan, WR, Ole Miss ---Pronounced Juh-mez, I thought the rogue hypen might confuse you